Only to be with you
I’m not certain what it is that I’m looking for.
Perhaps to be better, or smarter, or wiser than I’ve been in the past. Perhaps to have a new pretty thing, or to get rid of old stuffy things, or simply to be in a different space than I am now.
Restless. That’s me.
At every phase of my life I’ve experienced some sort of restlessness. I’m not certain what it is I think I’m trying to get to------but there is an underlying urge to get to that place that is real and ever present.
In my youth, I wanted a degree. When I got a degree, I wanted to end up in the perfect job. When I got the perfect job, I wanted the perfect man. Now that I am happily married, what is it I’m looking for?
Part of it is a relationship with God. I know that much. The empty holes in my heart that I’ve tried to fill all of these years are God-shaped holes, and not people shaped ones.
Part of it is a greater sense of community and fulfillment. I’ve been blessed with so much, how do I use it in a way that is pleasing to the big G? And perhaps more importantly, how do I get to that place where feeling that connection, and WANTING to give more than I take is “natural”?
*sigh* I’m so selfish. I don’t want to reach out too much to strangers for fear of what it will cost me. I don’t want to give up too much of my time because of how easily tired I get. I get angry and frustrated when people do not act the way that I want them to, and I am so quick to judge others for things done and left undone.
I don’t want to stay this way, and hope to come to a place where it is normal and natural for me to be my best self---and to turn to God for help when I’m not feeling naturally loving, forgiving, or patient.
St. Francis' Prayer
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life